Wednesday, 27 November 2013

My theory about women

Every now and again I post something which has little or nothing to do with the title of this blog.

Most people are unaware that oestrogen - the main female sex hormone - is in fact acidic. Until puberty the corrosive effects of this substance are kept in check by the simple fact that production being limited, it is only found in dilute form, thanks to the other watery fluids circulating in the bloodstream. Then disaster occurs.

Consider the case of a teenaged schoolgirl who fancies a teenaged schoolboy. He fancies her too, but despite his repeated advances to her, she keeps giving him the cold shoulder, believing that if she responds in a positive manner then he will regard her as a slag. She thoroughly insults him until he wanders off, convinced that she positively hates him as reason would dictate, because testosterone affects the groin and not the head. She then wonders why he doesn't fancy her any more, and shoots him reproving looks.

Oestrogen peaks at 14, which was when Natalie, my lovely blonde-haired daughter, decided to dye her crowning glory red. Actually it doesn't matter what colour she dyed it, because of course no-one in their right mind dyes blonde hair. No 14 year old boy would dye his hair if it was blonde, after all. He would know that it pulled the birds and would show it off as much as possible. But by this time oestrogen is in such high concentration in the bloodstream that it is starting to etch its way into brain tissue, causing irreparable harm.

Beginning, in some women, in their twenties, oestrogen damage becomes so dramatic that the patient starts to worry about her hair. She looks in the mirror and decides that her hair looks a mess. Such an observation would prompt the normal male to comb it. But the female victim of an oestrogen attack decides that because her hair looks a mess, then her life must be a mess too. What does she do? Does she consult a psychiatrist? No, she sorts out her life by visiting a hairdresser instead. She emerges from the shop happy....

...until, that is, a man tells her that he likes her hairdo. Whereupon she gives him a hateful smile and proceeds to tell him off, listing the innumerable things that her hair needs doing to it, in boring graphic detail, as if she was talking to a girlfriend. However she would not have been rude to a real female friend. This is because the hormone which is now in full spate has made her think of her hair as if it was a pair of breasts - and no woman wants an objective analysis of her breasts from a man, unless he is a gynaecologist.

Pre-Menstrual Tension is a universal side effect of oestrogen, causing women to blame men for everything - even though it isn't the man's womb which is playing up - it's the woman's, so logically she should blame herself. This psychotic delusion becomes semi-permanent during the Menopause (whispered) "Change of Life", when the confused, weepy and hysterical patient becomes convinced that she won't be a real woman any more once her womb packs up, because she will no longer be able to have babies.

This assumption, of course, is ridiculous. A five year old girl would never say to herself "Because I cannot have babies yet, this proves that I am not a real girl" - and then proceed to blame her brother for everything, as a woman in this state does her partner. Sadly, there is no cure for oestrogen damage, save the replacement of what is left of the female brain by a normal male one - and there's not much left after the Change.

This is why men regard the whole world as a lunatic asylum and see themselves as the mental nurses, whose job it is to calm, soothe and humour the patients. It is a thankless task, for which we receive no payment.


Soon I will show why having a baby is really very straightforward, and why women make a song and dance over what a man would regard as a picnic.

10 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. As a typically tactful Aries, I was trying to demonstrate that I understand women, without causing them to burst into tears or take out a contract on me. Notice that I never used expressions like "brain damaged" or "insane", which would have been both hurtful and sexist.

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  2. Oh my goodness, and I thought I was in trouble with the ladies. LOL - must link to this this evening.

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  3. More the absurdity of the weaker gender's periodic war with rationality than true insanity, Ian.
    MTG

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    Replies
    1. True enough, MTG. Can anyone find MTG's email address so that he can bravely receive some replies from the ladies?

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  4. A courageous man. Gird thy loins, sir. A gooly-kicking thousand feet are being marshalled as we speak and the awful regiment will soon be marching your way.

    Good luck.

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  5. I read your blog and went HA HA HA HA HA then the sanity calmed my fevered brow because I am not your normal woman. Never ever been near a hairdresser, don't look in the mirror as much as my very vain husband and never complain about my hair. I never blame him for anything when hormonal or otherwise. Now I am menopausal I am less hormonal and love being nearly 50 because it means I have every reason not to worry that I don't worry about my looks, my hair or my clothing. I used to be seen as a weirdo now I can just be classed as eccentric and special. My husband can't understand why I never yell or cause rows and never blame him for anything, he just enjoys the fact that for the first time in his life a woman isn't making him feel inadequate and undermining his confidence.
    So we are not all like your blog would suggest. ;)

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  6. Amfortas - Thank you. That bloody James Higham has mobilised them already on his blog, as you will have noticed.
    Kath - There's something wrong with you. A shortage of oestrogen all your life has been gradually turning you into a man.

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  7. Ian, you could link this post to your blog title by pointing out that since the 1960s, and the introduction of no-fault divorce, throughout the English-speaking world, the state has steadily been making it easier for women to behave thus by removing the consequences from their behaviour. All you have to do is to look at what happened to the policeman in Canada who suggested that a woman getting overloaded with alcohol when skimpily dressed might mean that some man who was less than gentlemanly might take advantage of her. He was pilloried by the feminazis, yet what he said makes as much sense as saying that a car travelling at 100 miles per hour past a school as the pupils are coming out is likely to kill a pupil. Will you make the connection?

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    Replies
    1. Absolutely agree, feminazis try to appear as helpless as toddlers.

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Keep it clean.....